Being Yourself

As I write this, I’m in deep mourning. Our 8 year old golden retriever, Willow, died suddenly late last week. She was healthy, as far as we knew.

Sparing you the details, my husband and I watched her die on the floor of the vet office. We were racked with grief. It was both unexpected and agonizing to watch our sweet dog gasp her last breaths.

I’ve never been good with sadness. It’s felt like too much. It has been like a stalker; following me around most of my life.

In retaliation of this relentless shadow, I became the funny girl from a young age. The one who made everyone laugh. I became the helper; the healer. The one who everyone could count on. I became the soft spot to land for everyone around me, but me.

But it seems I can’t run anymore. My legs just won’t carry me away from myself. Consciousness has stepped in and said, Ann…stop.

There will come a time when we must face what has always been there. We can’t run forever.

As Consciousness comes to claim you, it will remind you of only one thing. There is, after all, only one thing to be reminded of.

It will remind you to simply be yourself; to stop hiding, contracting, blurring, numbing, denying, running and obstructing the natural flow of energy that just wants to move.

Becoming conscious is not, contrary to what the mind may tell you, about becoming one dimensional or always happy or even okay.

It is the relaxing of the entire body-mind system…it is the allowing for the whole of life to move through you, unprotected; undefended. That means, if anger arises, it arises. No story. A story always entails a good guy, a bad guy and a desperate need for an explanation; a solution.

The story keeps us defended. It holds the energy in place. It’s like an anchor to a boat that simply wants to ride the waves.

In waking up and being yourself, life will get messier before anything else can arise. Why? Because everything that we’ve pushed away, pushed down, will come up for resolution. And up it will come. No story. Just moving energy.

This energy will undoubtedly be challenging. There’s a reason, after all, that we pushed it down in the first place,

But know this…

Everything in existence simply wants to be fully and completely itself.

Anger just wants to be anger. Sadness just wants to be sadness. Anxiety just wants to be anxiety. Illness just wants to be illness. Shame just wants to be shame.

When we can relax and meet whatever arises within our experience without any attempt to fix it, analyze it or do anything at all with it, it moves through you.

It’s not good or bad. It just is.

This is the relief you’ve been looking for; the peace of the giant exhale of everything we’ve been holding in; holding down.

This is awakening.